new life

this is a new life. I wont make the same mistake again.

Ramadhan

Ramadhan 1438 H. This is the worst ramadhan i've ever been through. Today its already 17 of Ramadhan. I fast for only 6 days. I dont know whether its really because of im pregnant that i cant bear tha hunger or, is it because of me who doesnt want to fast. Im getting worst each and everyday. I havent solat for quiet sometimes. Dont ask about reciting quran. Im frust actually, but im not doing anything to improve myself. I just let it be... But im not with what im doing to myself. I want to change.

Pendirian 2

My husband is a duda when i met him. But of couse, he lied to me at first. He said he's single. When he's sure he wants me as his wife, then he tells me everything. As much as i know, he just divorce his wife when he met me.

I once told him, if my presence in his life will only just to make him reliaze that he still love his marriage n his family, just go. Go back to your family. Because they still can rujuk at that moment. Later i found out, that his wife doesnt want to rujuk with him because she knows that he have me, and he doesnt even care to hide it (shit! He's cruel).

So the point is, the exwife cannot accept the divorce. She cannot move on. She still cling to her ex, which is at that point, my husband. She's sad... I dont want to say pathetic, because it sound so harsh. She is not independent kind of woman. She insist to take care of their two kids. Her emotional state isnt stable. Shes moody.

There's once, she forbid me to come n join her daughter sports day, maybe she's not ready to see me n her ex together. But my husband stand, how can he leave me, she's my wife. Then she said, ok, just bring me, but dont destroy her moods (whaaaaat?)

what actually i want to say is, this exwife, when she is my husband's wife, she also get angry when she knows her husband dating other woman (he likes janda so much). But, now she is a janda, she dates someone's husband. When my husband tell me this, i was like... What the hack.... And boleh pulak dia cakap dia xtau nk pilih yang mana, yang suami org tu atau pn yg duda tu utk jd steady boyfriend dia. (Whaaaaaaaat?)

she always asked my husband's opinion about her love life. So i guess dia mmg xada kawan, or maybe, dia just nk tau whether my husband get jealous of her or not.

So, this is weird, sbb korang becerai pn sbb suami kau kaki perempuan, tiba2 kau nk jd perempuan-perempuan yg bercinta dgn suami org, n u are assuming what? Your love is pure? Shit...

Pendirian

Aku tak faham dengan perempuan ni. Ada seorang perempuan ni, kononnya bercinta dengan suami aku, the day i got married to my husband, dia tukar status wasap "i dont care". I assume, she dont care whether my husband marrying me or not, she still want my husband. Whatever. Tapi bila aku berhadapan dengan perempuan ni, menyuruh dia berterus terang tentang hubungan dia dan suami aku, which at this point, im so much ready, in fact, eager to let him go (because i have trouble letting people who doesnt want to let me go, go). Aku minta dia beri aku bukti jika hubungan dia dan si suami masih diteruskan, so they both can live happily ever after. Aku dh menyampah menjadi org yang kena tipu, when they happily play hide n seek around me. Play around the bush, n what so ever. So, if they want to be together, i'll just give him up.

Im not trying to be a heroin or nice girl or that kind of things, i just dont like all those dramas n all the lies. But guess what, she said they have break up (so what? I still have to keep on playing your shit, n u just can go? Uurrgghh). Back to the topic, i asked her to give me proofs if their relationship still continue, so i can show that to my husband, n i can walk away, n he cannot say that im just imagining things anymore. So she said yes. She will let me know. N unbelievingly, i trust her.

Aku katakan pada perempuan tu, aku tau ada banyak jenis perempuan dalam dunia ni, ada yg faithfull to love, ada yg xkisah bercinta dgn suami org, ada yg hanya suka bila si lelaki lebih menangkan dia dari si isteri. I said to her, i dont know where your stand. But as much as i can see, "u dont mind becoming the 2nd wife. Which i cant accept. So, its just me who can accept that, so i'll go. U dont have to worry, he will find u your madu within less than 6 month." Thats what i said to her.

Now she start speaking. She said she want him for herself. N only for herself. N she tells me my husband keep asking her to be patient, he'll make sure they will be together. N she said she also doesnt want to share her husband with anyone else (go n fuck youself. I dont care about your thoughts, all i care is whether u want him or not, i want to give him to u! N i dont give a damn if he wants or doesnt wants to marry u after our divorce).

Anyway, no news up untill now. I once asked my husband to just go to her. He said, even if he let me go, he wont be marrying her. (Like i give a damn).

Marriage life

Im so done n tired. I dont know for how many times.

Now, for me, a happy marriage is, a life where u just focus on the needs of the house. If everything done, then, your wife or your husband cannot intefere with his other life. In other words, u just have tontrust him or her when thrysaid they wanna go out to meet freinds, they have jobs to be done and etc. If u trying to confirm whether what he or she tell u isbthe truth or not, then, u may will be getting your marriage into disaster.

the point is, im not fake. Not with anybody. Neither in whatever im doing. So how can i just leave all the details like that? How can i pretend that i believe my husband? For me.. If u want another woman, go n chase her, but pls drop me... At least allow me to go.

I have a life to chase too. I leave my freedom just to be with u. I set my distance among friends just for u. I leave my dreams to venture the world so i can always be beside u. I am so passionate n devote to u. But u find another woman for fun. Arent u happy enough to be with me? If u are not, then tell me, i can leave in a snap. I dont need someone who doesnt appreciate my presence. I dont need someone who flirt with others when im not looking.

If u still wants to do those, please, be my guess. I understand a human afterall, a man. But dont have comitment with me, just be my friends.

lelaki

dia nafikan tuduhan aku iaitu dia bukan seperti lelaki lain
dia kata dalam hidupnya hanya ada aku, dia sayang hanya aku
dia minta aku percayai dia
dia marah bila aku enggan percayai dia

tapi dia bersayang-sayang dengan perempuan lain
berkali-kali dia tertangkap oleh aku kerana itu
namun selagi mana dia boleh menafikan, dia akan nafikan sekeras-kerasnya
dia ulang berkali-kali, kemudian dia tanya aku, tidakkah aku percaya kepadanya?

pada dia, jiwa aku hanya sekeping jiwa, jiwa aku tiada nilai harga
bibirnya tanpa jemu menyatakan sayang dan cinta
tingkahnya tak pernah lepas dari belai dan manja
jasadku dilayan bagai permaisuri disingahsana hatinya
tiada siapa akan percaya jika aku kata dia berdusta

Ya ALLAH sakitnya jiwa... layakkah ianya dipersia?
Andai padaMu hati dan jiwa ini selayaknya direnyuk, dilempar, dipijak,
maka permudahkan aku untuk menerima
sesungguhnya seluruh pelusuk jiwa dan raga ini milikMu
Aku hanya manusia di dunia sementara
moga ada tempat buatku disisiMu atas semua keseksaan ini
aku redha, aku sedang menelannya semua keseksaan ini
aku tak akan mampu menghadap seksaMu di sana
jadi, biar aku menyerapnya di sini
jadikan ianya kafarah buatku
ampunkan semua dosaku.
permudahkanlah aku menerima ya Allah
permudahkanlah aku menerima ya Allah
permudahkanlah aku menerima ya Allah

keringkan jiwaku, bekukannya, apungkannya biar tiada nyawa, biar tidak berasa...

keringkan juga air mataku ya Allah, kerana aku enggan menangis kerananya.

aku harap kasih dan sayangMu kerana aku tidak berjumpa kasih dan sayang di dunia

SAAT ITU

Saat rasa itu menjalari kesegenap urat dan saraf
mengilukan, membingungkan, memekakkan
saat itu tiada apa yang mampu difikirkan melainkan hanya itu
engkau mengeliang liut seperti cacing di atas lantai simen semasa hujan lebat
namun tiada apa yang dapat menghilangkan rasa itu
engkau ketuk lagi daun pintu menggesa penghuni di dalamnya agar segera keluar
saat mengetuk itu, kau rasakan itulah pengakhiran kepada daya tahan yang paling mampu kau pertahankan
andai daun pintu tidak terkuak saat itu juga, maka akan berhamburanlah segala isi usus yang beratur panjang berasak-asak